Mountain Dew

'Oh elixir of life, nectar of the gods
We are all but servants to your saccharine goodness, bees to your honey
the palest chartreuse when out of your womb, the darkest sea of soda in your shell
how many is too many? nay, how many is not enough?'
-A neckbeard's ode to Mt. Dew circa 2007


Mt. Dew is to the neckbeard as natty ice is to the Bros. No LAN party or D&D basement funfest would be complete without liters upon liters of this Pepsi product from hell. Havent drank a Mt. Dew for breakfast? You are small time. Every neckbeard worth his salt knows the distinct flavors of a warm as well as an ice cold dew. Don't remember every flavor and promotional bottle? FUCKING CASUAL.

From an outsiders perspective: 'all that sugar is bad for you honey'
SHUT UP MOM GO GET ME ANOTHER TOTINOS

'Oh my god this soda tastes like shit'
whatever dude shut up and sit down its your turn to change the game.

Cosplay

There is only a few certain instances when adults are allowed to dress up in costume. Namely: Halloween, themed parties and within the privacy of ones home. As with all things, the neckbeards found a way to incorporate their fiendish exploits into the public eye by way of 'cos playing' Short for costume play, its pretty much every neckbeards wet dream. Months of preparation go into making costumes of characters from anime, video games and even internet memes. This bitch thinks she looks like an anime character.

BITCH YOURE DEAD WRONG

There is an entire online industry devoted to supplying these sad pathetic basement dwellers with items that are too complicated or have too high a level of craftsmanship.


Once the 'illusion' is complete the neckbeard will venture into the bright nether of daylight to join his companions to revel in their collective nerdiness. This hobby wouldn't make me rage harder than a fat kid running out of twizzlers if the cosplayers didnt adhere to the typical 'annoying nerd' persona that we all remember from high school.
This sentence was going to be saved for future posts with more in-depth analysis, but it bares(bears?) repeating: booksmart nerd and loser nerd are NOT the same animal.
Typical cosplayers are found slumped against the walls of your local convention center, sitting in a circle, spouting memes and generally making the rest of western society look bad.

Magic the Gathering

This tabletop cardgame is one of the most popular neckbeard past times right next to Dungeons and Dragons and Warhammer 40k. Its been around for a long time, and yet nerds still play it to this day. Magic the Gathering players are the quintessential neckbeards. Custom card carrying tins, in-depth strategy and lexicons of lore that would made J.R.R. Tolkien blush. Though not as bad as people who play Yugi-oh! or god forbid Pokemon, a typical magic the gathering event will look like an Anime convention, but smell worse, because there are no girls. Not even booth girls. The only feminine presence at these functions is waiting out front in the mini van with a People and an iced soy latte.

Note: (These neckbeards are european, so do not let their seemingly normal appearance fool you.)

As with the majority of activities that necessitate migration outside of moms basement, this event

was held in what looks to be a cafeteria of some kind. Not surprising to the trained observer.

As with any game, there will be certain cards that are deemed "over powered" or "super rare dude".

This is a crock of neckbeard bullshit, and anyone heavily invested in these cards should get out before another recession happens.

Remember in elementary school when you heard of some kid trading his playstation 1 for a charizard card? Guess who doesnt give a fuck

and then guess who still has a playstation. Boom baby.

Ventrilo

Neckbeards love technology. While their cellphones typically serve as a flashlight for finding where that pesky Dorito went beneath the desk, neckbeards are constantly in communication. A computer program called ventrilo creates a virtual Cafeteria table for neckbeards to congregate at in cyberspace. They will play music in the hope that maybe someone in the channel has not heard the new Girls Generation song, or some rap music played ironically. Sometimes they will sit in silence, enjoying the thought that they are almost sitting next to someone, even if that person is thousands of miles away. Its fairly homosexual and makes me wanna go on a nerd bashing spree the likes of which the world has never seen.

What nerds think they are doing when sitting in vent. This video actually captures the ultimate life goal of many neckbeards, except they would replace the svelt nordic women with passive mewing asian women.

This is the actual reality of what a Ventrilo session consists of. People queing their microphone to smoke a bong, stupid music, bullshitting etc.

MMO-RPGS

Neckbeards love MMO's because it allows them to escape the harsh realities of their moms basement and live in a fantasy world ripe with scantily armored elven babes and dragons and faeries and that type of lame shit. It also allows them to not have to go out to an arcade and interact with society. They are free to choose their own destiny within the confines of their chosen world. Roleplaying female characters is very common. But MMOs are increasingly mainstream. In order to differentiate from the masses, most neckbeards turn to obscure or difficult RPGS instead of the normal world of warcraft. They will say:

" WOW stopped being good during BC, maybe even Vanilla"

Whatever nerd, WOW was never good.

" I play Aeon because you can fly and the graphics are better.''

If by graphics you mean your avatar with wings, a skirt and tits the size of basketballs. Don't even get me started on the fact about how much time these nerds put into this shit. People even kill themselves over these games or cheat on their husbands and wives.

Suicide over Everquest

Domestic violence over World of Warcraft

Harlotry over World of Warcraft

MMO's are the cocaine of the neckbeard. Unless kept in check, they can quickly turn what is simply a social outcast into

a true dredge of society.

The Neckbeard

A neckbeard is someone who you would not normally associate with. They play Dungeons and Dragons. They bath very sporadically. Fine dining is extra hot sauce on their hot pocket. But do not be so quick to lump them into the same category.

Breed 1: The weeaboo. This is an increasingly common occurence, due to Japans subversive brainwashing campagain of americas youth via television, videogames etc. It is the culture youths turn to when Americas has already been branded into their psyche. Its somewhat alt even. But a healthy interest in Eastern cultures soon turns to madness. An elitest like attitude will appear. "Japanese cartoons are so much deeper than anything America has to offer" " I just like my ramen fresh because it taste better!" "Omg so kawaiiii!!!!" The weeaboo has shed most of his American interests at the cost of fitting in (except with his like-minded flunkies).

Youtubes that Weeaboos will like:

Breed 2: The creepy metal guy.

This type of neckbeard ca usually be found sitting at the lunch table in your schools cafeteria with other fellow neckbeards. He does not fit the nerd mold in a sense that he has super long hair and wears metal band tees or a trenchcoat maybe. This neckbeard most likely plays the guitar or an obscure instrument like this:

The chances that the creepy metal guy type neckbeard plays magic gathering are upwards of 75%.

Breed 3: The GAMER GURL.

A rare specimen, when a female turns to interests usually reserved for the beardiest of necks. Pokemon, D&D, Dwarf Fortress etc. They are often seen as the "perfect woman" to their male neckbeard counterparts, but hardly ever "give it up" and will most likely a) turn out to be bi sexual or a lesbian or b) start dating an attractive foreign boy. While competent in their gaming/ dice rolling/ anime drawing abilities, they will never fully gain the trust of the rest of the clan, due to having a vagina.

*insert gamer gurl comic here*